Archive for the ‘Parody’ Category
Gendo Ikari: Motherfuckin’ PIMP
September 14, 2007NOTE: I didn’t write this. It’s written by my friend Vampire_killer. I thought it was funny so cross posted it here ^_^
A while back I was partaking of another A4 discussion, regarding which anime character was the biggest player. As I say, forum discussion threads tend to be overrun by 12-15 year old kids, and not very original. However, something was said in that particular reincarnation of an older thread that got replaced by someone else posting a copy of the same thing those damn kids can’t seem to get enough of. Something that, in my mind, completely warrants further analysis, and a good deal of poking fun at.
In that particular thread, someone mentioned that he considered Shinji Ikari of Neon Genesis: Evangelion to be the greatest and best anime pimp. Now, I’ll repeat that, because I know that, as I did, some of you might have a hard time believing that you might ever actually see these words typed or in print: he said that Shinji Ikari, from Neon: Genesis Evangelion, was the greatest and best anime pimp. This is the sort of thing that comes off as so utterly nonsensical, that when you hear it, you actually laugh so hard, that you don’t even make a sound at all. And if you’ve never done this yourself, or seen it happen to anyone else, then you’ve clearly never spent very much time on an online message board. That is not necessarily a bad thing.
But to get back to the point of the matter, after collecting my senses enough to the point where I could actually breathe again, I asked this person exactly why he considered Shinji to be a player of any magnitude. His reply was that it was for the fact that Shinji shared a room with 2 hot women, Misato Katsuragi and Asuka Langley-Sohryu. That was the basis of his whole argument. Let’s take a look at Shinji’s interactions with each character, shall we?
Although Misato is rather friendly toward Shinji and even sent him a photograph of herself that was very clearly a cleavage shot, she isn’t exactly under his thumb. In fact, she shuffles off most of the housework in her own damn apartment on him, plus the fact that the only time Shinji ever took off all his clothes in front of Misato was itself a freak accident. Clearly it’s Misato who’s in charge of that crib.
Now let’s look at Shinji’s association with Asuka. Actually, screw it. This one requires no explanation. It’s so glaringly obvious that even an overblown satirist like me has no clue where to begin with it. It’s like trying to make fun of a clown, for Godsake: how can you possibly strip away the dignity even further? So let’s just say that we know with at least 200% certainty that if anything, Shinji was Asuka’s b-tch, and leave it at that.
All the above arguments fall apart after taking End of Evangelion and the rest of the Eva movies into account, but come on, those movies motherf-ckin’ suck anyway, so they don’t count.
So, clearly, Shinji ain’t the dom in that household. But now this gets me to thinking. Clearly it isn’t Shinji Ikari that’s the daddy-mac of the show, or any show for that matter. But then it occured to me that this kid, he had the right series in mind, he even had the right surname, he was just getting the generation wrong. There really is a pimp in that series, and with the family name of Ikari. It’s Gendo.
Think about it. Sure, the man dresses more like he’s going to a funeral than like he’s going to f-ck, but platform shoes and a cape alone do not a big daddy make. There’s more to it than look, way more. Let’s first consider the women. It all starts with Yui Ikari, his legitimate partnership. Of course, we all know better than that. It was obviously a plot merely to throw down his seed and continue the lineage. Plus he was after all her biological breakthroughs. Some might say it was to further his own work in the field, but that was only what he wanted people to think. More on that later. Anyway, after Yui Ikari met with her unfortunate [but totally staged so that Gendo could enact the rest of his fiendish plot] accident during the 1st Impact [or was it 2nd Impact? I'm not too sure], he started getting with Naoko Akagi. A lot. And then in true pimp style, when he was done with her and her ass started sagging, he had her capped. And get this: his next woman? Naoko’s daughter. Ritsuko Akagi was next in line to get bent over by Gendo.
He threw his thing down with a woman and that woman’s daughter. You can’t beat that. And as far as anime pimps go, no one else has ever managed to pull off anything as downright criminal as that. It takes some smooth talking and some cool walking, some straight smoking and some fire stoking to be able to convince the daughter of the woman you knocked up and then knocked off that it’s a good idea to ride your shotgun, and Gendo did that. The man’s a wizard.
Also consider the fact that every single woman above is on his payroll. They all work for him, along with all the other as yet unmentioned women that make up the Nerv staff. They all work for him, taking his orders, and they all love it. Although to Misato’s credit, she never actually had sex with Gendo and she stopped trusting him at the end. But all those women, working in the field of biomechanics and computer science and engineering and so on, it wasn’t so Gendo could lead the fore in exterminating Angels. No, it was so he could build himself a happenin’ mad hood. The big guns were just there for his amusement when he got bored with ho sale and taking hits off the LCL cannisters.
Now let’s look at Nerv itself. It’s like looking at the Emerald City from The Wizard of Oz, just underground. It’s extravagant, well-designed, architecturally stable and well-fortified. Because every pimp knows that you got to kick it in style, and have the place well-protected should the Feds come calling. The man has an entire city as his base of operations. He’s got the territory.
And he’s also got the hook-up. He’s like, “yo, these Angels be wreckin’ mah game an’ sh-t, makin’ all that noise outside so I can’t hear my old lady tell me how she wants it. You dig?” And then the U.N. is like, “I feel ya. Tell you what: we’ll give you access to all the electricity in Japan so you can blast that sucker outta here.” And then Gendo is like, “Word, G!”
He’s got the women. He’s got the shag-shack. He’s got the territory, and he’s got the authority, so who cares if he dresses like an FBI agent. Gendo isn’t that kind of a straight-shooter. There are anime characters who are more powerful, there are certainly anime characters who have had more women, there are anime characters with bigger and better houses and there might even be a few anime characters that are more devious and dirty with their tactics and manipulations. But by God, Gendo’s a man who has all of that. He’s a pimp, and you can b’lee dat. XD
My first post in forevar.
August 15, 2007Yeah, I know, I know.
Either way, this is what happens when cross-pollination of memes goes haywire, and brings out something simultaneously horrific and beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Chad Vader doing “Chocolate Rain”:
THIS IS HOW ANIME MAGAZINES SHOULD BE:
August 8, 2007
I WANT Anime Rants, I WANT New Season LineUps and to be told about what to expect, I WANT Poster and pPull-Outs, I WANT to read Articles about Anime that I am currently Watching, I WANT to know what the ACTUAL Anime Community think, I WANT to read about Anime Culture, I WANT a better kind of Anime Magazine.
No Point In Sitting Around Waiting. Pink Domino-The E-Zine Currently Recruiting!
TO APPLY SEND AN EMAIL TO PINKXDOMINO@GMAIL.COM
Encyclopedia Dramatica Article of the Week 4!
July 17, 2007MY SPACE
I would like to remind you that noone here at Pink Domino wrote this article. It is extracted from Encyclopedia Dramatica for your lulz.
Serving as a hybrid of Friendster and Livejournal, Myspace (Pronounced: Mee-Spah-Tszche) provides attention whores across the internets with twice the ability for tasteless self-promotion. Myspace also is a haven for middle-class suburban emo teenagers to whine and moan about how their lives are so tough. Therefore, many lulz can be found within this site.
Myspace’s “mission statement” is to function as a “meat market” for registered sex offenders to search for secretly fat 16 year old girls and camwhores who take it in the ass (Once again, Encyclopedia Dramatica knew this fact months before it hit the wire).
As a web site, it’s a lethargically coded piece of shit, rivaled in shittyness only by TagWorld; as a concept, it is a scourge on the entire human race and the epitome of Western insolence.
However, as an institution of higher learning where strippers and pr0n stars can learn HTML, it is rivaled only by DeVry University.
HISTORY
Founder
Tom is a fucking tool for friending everyone on the internet.
The not so widely seen gay side of every 16 year old girls idol.
The much rarer, Bixnood Tom.
Myspace was designed by Tom Anderson, a crack baby and a kind of gay version of Brad. The two share many similarities, one of which is that they both sold out (see below). Tom has a taste for Adderall pixie sticks and a severe case of multiple personality disorder. As such, he created Myspace by combining the worst features of every so-called ’social networking’ site in existence in the most disorganized manner possible and adding horrifying features of his own.
Myspace sellout
On 23:54, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC), Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News, bought Myspace for 580 million dollars. Yes. $580 million. Why a cesspool of mallcore faggotry is worth anywhere near that much is a mystery. Meanwhile, the fine folks at liberal have collectively shit themselves.
The Web’s Unholy Chimera
Similarities to Friendster
Myspace provides the benefits of adding friends in a desperate ploy to seem popular. It also provides camwhores with an amount of disk space to upload photos. This serves as a shrine to their own alleged hottness.
Users can list general interests on their profile, such as their favorite music, movies, television, and books. Well, not books. The last time anyone on Myspace touched a book was the day they dropped out of third grade.
Many users (usually dateless females) will list seemingly impossible qualities they are looking for in a humanoid life form, such as the body of Brad Pitt, with eyeliner, and the soul of Truman Capote, but they also have to be a shirtless drummer in a band with no gag reflex. Also, they have to wear expensive crack shoes made from virgin alligators or some such shit. Such people usually carry hand sanitizer to spritz teh cock before giving it a really toothy blowjob. Lastly, notice most profiles are of people in California!
Myspace also provides a so-called bulletin feature similar to Friendster, which allows users to post bulletins about local events and/or big news, but the feature is only used to spread retarded memes, emo pleas for new profile comments, irritating chain letters, and announcements about the posting of new hott photos.
Similarities to Livejournal
you’re gonna need DRAMAmine
Myspace offers a personal blog, allowing users to rate their popularity by the number of comments that are received. The difference between the blog feature and the bulletins feature is a closely-guarded trade sekrit known only to Tom. What is known is that Tom likes features. Lots of them.
The blog feature is often given a backseat to the posting of tiled blinking backgrounds with seven lens flares on a user’s profile page. When used, it is famous for eating posts, depriving the world of countless stories of sloppy blowjobs performed in nightclub parking lots. Myspace-post-eating is responsible for at least 100 cases of cutting. Fortunately, subsequent photos of the wounds were posted without incident.
Myspace attempts to replicate Livejournal’s famed drama-friendly atmosphere, but due to its horrifying and utterly incomprehensible interface, drama is generated and maintained only through sheer force of will of the users generating it. Myspace also allows users to create communities, but lulz are rare due to the fact that English is never used.
Just like LiveJournal, Myspace is exhausted with attention-starved nerd wannabes who believe that their emotions and self-righteous descriptions of themselves are more important than God himself. They also say “nigger” a lot, jokingly of course. That’s because they’re all white and therefore not racist. Myspace is infested with bitch boys who cry a lot and with fag hags who use the word “faggot” in the most irrelevant context possible, thereby making them look like gigantic homophobes. That’s OK because everyone on Myspace is gay already.
Similarities to Bolt
Bolt and Myspace share a largely ignored blog feature, a restrictive area to share your camwhoring skillz, a list of general interests to plug the latest mainstrem crap, a bulletin system for public drama, and a bewildering and useless interface. And also, horoscopes.
The only real difference between the two is while Myspace caters toward emos and scenewhores, Bolt is meant more for teenagers to try and one up each other for badges and tags.
Also, Tom is a disgruntled ex-employee of Bolt Media, who was fired after the Japanese bought the website and replaced all human employees with 40-foot tall fembots. The deep sense of self-loathing exhibited by Tom was undoubtedly caused by this disruption of underage poon.
Unique Features
Unlike Friendster, LiveJournal, or anywhere else, Myspace lets users define all aspects of their profile page. Most pages include every web annoyance, ever, and break every guideline of web design, ever — pages with 300k bitmap backgrounds that load activex controls to play 50mb music videos, bouncing and flashing marquees and it’s all on the same page. Myspace made history as the only social networking site that lets users install malware on visiting machines just by viewing a profile. Everyone on Myspace is also in an extended network, so nobody ever feels alone.
Poor or completely blind use of HTML and CSS often leads to a computer freezing up, so badly that you have to unplug it from the wall and curse the day you found Myspace.
List of groundbreaking innovations
- Autoplaying video clips in profile that never work properly and have to spend 5 minutes disabling.
- Autoplaying music which inevitably starts by surprise at maximum volume.
- Eye-searing color schemes that makes people’s text impossible to read, and you’ll have to highlight everything in order to read it easier but then realize that it’s all shit nobody cares about.
- Dialup User Patience Initiative - the bigger the whore, the more hours the page will take to load on dialup.
- Sitewide custom of sending friends requests to strangers without ever contacting the person beforehand.
- People pretending to be television or movie characters, which has never been done before anywhere.
- People who add fake television or movie characters to their friends list and say “OMG lewk I em phreands with Morpheus LOLZORZ OMG!!!!!!!!!!!111
- Is always b0rked when you want to use it. Always.
- Patented “browser crash upon visit” technology.
- Fun “click the stop button” game on every visit!
- Fun lack of vertical scaling for thumbnails - have longcat as your avatar and piss your friends off!
- Unwanted Spam!!1!!!one!1
- People who fail at knowing whats funny and what is no longer funny. E.g. ‘!!!111oneone’ is no longer funny, yet at least one hundred members of myspace still continue to use it as a means of getting cyber-laid after fellow camwhores see that they have used the outdated humour, and still find it rather lulz, but it really isnt lulz. srsly oneoneone was so two years ago.
- A new peice of shit mood bar that lets emo kids tell all their faggot friends how they are feeling and posts a shitty little picture.
People Who Use Myspace
Typical Myspace user pictures.
Your wife is on myspace right now.
Attention Whores
Myspace is home to many attention whores who use the bulletin feature to relentlessly beg for comments (i.e. “nEW pix!!1, pls lev me some cmmtz lol”). They will stop at nothing to have people comment, since they require frequent comments to keep them alive (so just don’t comment).
Killers
jakejekyll, one of at least 100 Myspace killers
For the shit band The Killers, feel free not to look anywhere. Everyone on Myspace likes it. Or used to.
Myspace is the social networking site of choice for crazed killers everywhere:
- jakejekyll, the hatchet-wielding failed gay bar killer who committed suicide by cop
- haydren, the homeschooled kid who shot his girlfriend’s parents
- the fat redneck with user number 73186198 who sniped motorists on Indiana freeways and was a confirmed non-loner
- A suspect in the Suffolk Ripper prostitute murders of December 2006
- A 15 year old fucktard who shot two police officers for trying to intervene in an argument with his mom
As a drama-generating technique, murder is one of the best, though typically Myspace killers don’t log in to approve new friend requests after beginning their spree. Therefore, only their prior fans can leave emo comments about how misunderstood they were.
Killeez
Since MySpace’s user-base is mostly idiot, much lulz can be had in the form of dying. Regard here and hear. The exact number of dead MySpace users is thought to be at least 99%. Because if you use MySpace you will die, some enterprising scallywags have set up MyDeathSpace, which catalogues dead/dying/hovercraft MySpace users and which prima facia, seems interesting. Unfortunatly the lulz dried up early 2006 when the Mydeathspace forum drowned in clowns identified using the MySpace link on every post they make and became SHIT.
Bands and Related Sewage
Everyone also begs people to see their own shitty bands, which may or may not be worse than The Killers
Lesser-known bands are allowed to create special music profiles on Myspace for publicity. These music profiles will immediately send thousands of friend requests to any user who has listed a relative genre or band. Users can visit the band’s profile to enjoy a sample of their music.
Sometimes people set up fake myspace profiles for bands, so bands often throw in a salute photo.
According to a government report in 2004, bands on myspace are the biggest contagions for AIDS on the internet.
The Musical Elite
Just like any place with music, there’s also the musically elite or 1337. Or you can refer to them as pricks. On myspace, one can only be musically 1337 if you are a fag. This was proclaimed at least 100 years ago by Freddy Mercury when Queen became the first band to join myspace after Freddy gave Tom one of his last blowjobs. This led to Freddy’s death, since anything Tom touches gets infected with teh AIDS. One who is born with almighty myspace musical 1337ness has the gossip, manipulation skills, and same amount of make-up as a 16-year-old girl. Piss one off and thousands of their myspace friends will swarm on you with lulz-inducing drivel. Bands will usually claim they know their thousands of myspace friends really well, on an individual basis, providing more lulz. Be careful, their minions will fill your inbox with shit too entertaining to pass up reading, which guarantees a higher chance of getting AIDS from spending time on myspace. The bigger the band (or it’s attitude), the more potent the AIDS they carry. Lately there has been an influx of hippies creating pages for something called psytrance. But beware of these pages, for they all lead back to the pedophiles.
Porn Stars
Miss Deaf Texas, “TRAIN!, WHAT?”
If you need some quick fap-fodder while kicking around on the tubes, Myspace has a wealth of pornstars, like Belladonna to fit your every need. Some even offer up pics for free!
“Models”
Many people think since they are a humanoid life form having secondary sex characteristics, they can be a model and post endless camwhoring pictures of themselves in various states of undress. Many of these so-called “models” are not even good enough for CrackWhore Monthly’s amateur “Labia Hunt”.
Better even than “models” are “dancers” who add themselves to every male the MySpace search finds within 100 miles of their “performing arts center”. The only redeeming thing about their profiles is the ego boost from reading the comments men leave them — even in your darkest fits of depression you know you’re a better person than the hundreds of fags making sincere sappy comments to a stripper whore.
Myspace Whores
methinks there is trolling to be done.
Branded 4 lyf
Typical Myspace User
A Myspace whore is a faggot-mouth yuppy, who dwells on Myspace for more than a period of time that is needed. Which is anything more than a few seconds. These loud mouth twats have poured whatever pathetic part of their life that is left into the faggotry that is Myspace.
Myspace and the law
In early 2005, Myspace became the first site to aid in arrest of spim. Spim is spam sent via instant message. A teenager sent millions of messages to Myspace accounts advertising mortgages and other services. Then he attempted to blackmail Tom into an exclusive marketing deal, threatening that he would make his spamming techniques public. Myspace contacted police and lured the spimmer to cops under the pretenses of a business meeting with Tom. This is probably the closest to IRL law that Myspace Internet lawyers have ever gotten.
In July 2006, the United States House of Representatives voted 410 to 15 to ban Myspace from schools and public libraries, thus ensuring its future popularity.
Myspace in the news
In December 2005, the International Dramatic Energy Agency announced that Myspace was in violation of international regulations for attempting to restart its fucktard enrichment program, generating highly enriched stupidity on an industrial scale. Experts believe that this concentrated, highly radioactive stupidity could be used to make a weapon of mass destruction, a so-called dirty bomb which threatens millions of innocent Internets users with the complete destruction of their frontal lobe — the digital equivalent of a lobotomy delivered within seconds of exposure to extreme levels of moron radiation.
As of early 2006, many world leaders were calling for the application of sanctions against the Myspace nation-state to prevent the restart of its fucktard enrichment program. Proposed sanctions include mass sterilization of the entire Myspace population and controlled detonation of every piece of computer equipment involved in producing and propagating the enriched Myspace stupidity. Although the proposal, spearheaded by United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan under the name “We Cured The Plague Once Already For Fuck’s Sake” enjoys near unanimous support in the international community, US President George W. Bush has not signed on to the plan, noting a strong resemblance between many Myspace users and members of his extended backwoods family.
See Also
Atheist Holidays?
July 4, 2007I have been reading The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams and have recently finished it. I enjoyed it a lot and read up on the man behind the novels. His death, friendships, and such.
Which inevitably brought me to … Towel Day. Towel Day is a day that was begun in 2001, the year that Douglas Adams died. It occurs annually on May 25th, the reason being that the first year it was that date and they held it again the next year on that same date.
It was held on May 25th in 2001 to keep it in close proximity to his death to maintain a high enthusiasm for the project. Some criticism, including my own after recently discovering the holiday, has come forward as to whether it would be better to have the day on the anniversary of his death, a date more attributable to Douglas himself, or something more “Hitchhiker-like” as a date like April 2nd (4/2).
As far as I can tell the “official” Towel Day site gives this amusingly very “Hitchhiker-like” reason for keeping the date as May 25th.
- Open up Windows calculator, or use any calculator that allows you to switch between Hexadecimal and Decimal modes.
- Set windows calculator (calc.exe) to scientific mode if it already isn’t in that mode
- On the row of options that lists: Hex, Dec, Oct, Bin; select the option HEX.
- Now add the numbers that comprise the current date of Towel day, i.e. 5+25.
- Hit Enter, you should get 2A.
- Now on the aforementioned row of options of: Hex, Dec, Oct, Bin; select DEC.
The answer you have should be proof enough to keep the date for Towel Day. The answer is in keeping with the spirit of the book and the man’s sense of humor so I will not question it any further myself.
As for how to celebrate the day, it is simple. Carry your towel with you wherever you go on May 25th.
I look forward to celebrating a very hoopy frood next year.
Sources:
Why The Japanese PWN All Western Cosplayers
June 15, 2007You think you can dance the Hare Hare Yukai Dance from Haruhi? Really? You do? Well I bet you can’t do it aswell as these guys can… Face it. They PWN YOU ALL.
You can’t do these things like the Japanese can. LOOK AT THEIR DANCE! THEY ADDED BITS! THEY CLAP! You guys just faff around in the bits where there was nothing tell you to dance. Look at the enthusiasm as they stamp their feet and wave their arms and how they managed to get a million Mikurus to do that bit without hitting each other in the face. Oh Japanese Cosplayers. I take my hat off to you because you do PWN us all.
