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“You might be a rapist if…”

May 28, 2007

WARNING: This post.. like lots on this Blog is totally UN-PC! No political correctness here. So if you are easily offended don’t read. Or do read and then complain so I can laugh at you 😀 This was obtained from 4chan so you can hardly expect it to be Politically Correct and Unoffensive.

1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.
2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.
3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk and have sex with her. Your drunkeness is no excuse.
4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.
5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a rapist.
6. If she’s sleeping and you have sex with her you’re a rapist.
7. If she’s unconscious and you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
8. If she’s taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say ‘Yes’ then you’re a rapist.
10. If you drug her then you’re a rapist.
11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
12. If you don’t bother to ask her permission and she says neither ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ then you could be a rapist.
13. You are a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual ‘yes’ from a weary victim doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You are a rapist.
14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by talking her into it. She’s not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it’s not YOUR responsibility to ‘get’ her. You’re still a rapist.
15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn’t otherwise want it. If you say, “If you loved me you’d do X” then you’re a rapist. If you say, “All the other kids are doing it!” then you’re a rapist.
16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you’re threatening her then you’re a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to ‘talk’ her into sex then you’re a rapist.
17. You are a rapist if you don’t immediately get your hands off of her when she says ‘no’. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually ‘gives in’ to this tactic.
18. You are a rapist if you won’t let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep depravation is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.
19. If you’re necking with her and you’re naked and you’ve already gone down on her and she says ‘No’ to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you’re a rapist.
20. If you’re engaged in intercourse and she says ‘No’ at ANY point and you don’t immediately stop then you’re a rapist.
21. If she said “Yes” to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you’re a rapist.
22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn’t WANT sex and you continue then you’re a rapist.
23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don’t immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you’re a rapist.
24. If you don’t hit her and she says ‘No’ you’re still a rapist.
25. If you don’t have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says ‘No’ then you’re still a rapist.
26. If you’re a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.
27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn’t want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you’re a rapist.
28. If you’re her husband you can still be a rapist.
29. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you’re a rapist.
30. If she’s had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn’t want to on the 101st time then you’re a rapist.
31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.
32. Women do not owe you sex.
33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.
34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.
35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.
36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn’t mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.
37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitle you to sex.
38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.
39. If she ‘turns you on’ you’re not entitled to sex.
40. If she has ****ed every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn’t want to **** you and you have sex with her anyway, then you’re a rapist.
41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she’s wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.
42. If she’s a prostitute and she says “No” then you’re a rapist.
43. If she’s a stripper and she says “No” then you’re a rapist. Likewise, if she’s a stripper and she’s been rubbing against your **** all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.
44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you’re as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.
45. If you don’t fight rape then you accept rape.
46. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’re encouraging rape.
47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.
48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.
49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.
50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won’t know it.
51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn’t trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.
52. If you have sex with a woman, you are a rapist.
53. If you think about having sex with a woman, you are a rapist.
54. If you are a virgin, but you have a penis, you are a rapist.
55. You are a rapist if you buy a girl a drink.
56. You are a rapist if you help a drunk girl to a cab.
57. You are a rapist if you drink.
58. You’re a rapist.
59. If she goes home and throws up you’re a racist.
60. If she’s sleeping in a different room you’re a rapist.
61. If she’s hit by a car, you call for an ambulance and she’s taken to the hospital you’re a rapist.
62. If she’s taking sleeping pills to help her sleep you’re a rapist and possibly some sort of drug ghost.
63. If she’s incapacitated in any way and you don’t attempt to tickle her you’re a rapist.
64. If you drug her you’re probably wasting your drugs.
65. If you find a drugged girl there is a law in Utah that allows you to ride her in the manner of an equestrian show-jumping event.
66. If you don’t have written consent from her mother you could be a rapper.
67. You’re a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. You’re also a rapist if you ‘nag’ her to leave your house, buy you a toy car, or let you go on a ferris wheel at the carnival.
68. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by wearing appropriate camo gear and sneaking past her perimeter guards to locate the secret data on the weapon codenamed “Metal Gear”
69. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into revealing her name to you so that you can write it into your Death Note book, then declare “Just as planned”
70. If you attempt to test the defences of her turtling strategy in Starcraft with a zerg rush you’re a rapist.
71. You are a rapist if you don’t immediately leap off her and out a window when she says ‘no’. You are a rapist if you do this, and sue her for your injuries.
72. You’re a rapist if you ignore the five second rule for dropped food.
73. If you’re necking with her and you’re naked and you’ve already gone down on her and she says ‘No’ to sex with you, LOL BLUE BALLS. Rapist.
74. If you’re engaged in intercourse and she says ‘No’ at ANY point and you don’t immediately implode catastrophically you’re a rapist.
75. If she says “Yes” you’re a rapist.
76. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex she must be pretty strong.
77. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason you can use hypnotism to make her think she is a duck.
78. If you don’t hit her, I will.
79. If you don’t have a knife or a gun or a garotte and she says ‘No’ you should probably go get one any try again.
80. If you’re a friend of hers you’ll never get out of the friend zone to have sex with her.
81. If you had sex with her the night before and she doesn’t want morning sex wait till she goes back to sleep.
82. If you’re her husband you have my condolences for having married a total frigid *****.
83. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT sex just have sex with an inflatable doll in front of her.
84. If she has sex with you 100 times and doesn’t want sex the 101st time it’s okay because she’s probably like tossing a hot-dog down a hallway now.
85. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her you might as well try to do it analog as well.
86. Women do not owe you sex, and most banks don’t accept it in deposits either so you’re better off asking for money.
87. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex. Unless she orders lobster.
88. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex. It entitles you to get your head checked.
89. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex, except in Idaho. Some weird loophole.
90. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. You’re better off just buying it and jacking into it.
91. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitle you to sex. Unless she’s a prostitute, in which case you’re entitled to herpes.
92. Seeing her legs or cleavage is a lot closer to actual consenting sex than I will ever achieve.
93. If she ‘turns you on’ in spite of her facial hair, good luck.
94. If she has ****ed every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn’t want to **** you consider yourself lucky for not dipping into THAT clam chowder.
95. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she’s wearing a thong and pasties you may attempt to eat the food goods off her.
96. If she’s a prostitute and she says “No” then you’re cheap.
97. If she’s a stripper and she says “No” then you’re a rapist. Likewise, if she’s a stripper and she’s been rubbing against your **** all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then she will probably turn into a praying mantis and eat you.
98. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you’re as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself if you have the ability to shoot ghost sperm over long distances.
99. If you don’t fight rape then the king asks you again “Will you fight rape?” and will do so over and over until you choose “Yes”.
101. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’ll probably not believe her when she adds aliens to the story.
102. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you will have to introduce him to more women in order for his perverted lusts to be sated, if you fail to do so he may turn upon you in the manner of a hungry animal.
103. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it’s probably not a good idea to raise your hand for a high five afterwards.
104. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re never going to beat my high score.
105. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look unless they wear the T-shirt “I raped a girl and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and that guy who is trying to tear off your clothes and have non-consenting sex with you.
106. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn’t trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don’t wear signs on their foreheads except in Berkalistahn where the symbol of the Rooster defines a man as a holy man and a rapist. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying, such as excessive use of high beam, using a pocket watch, tabletop gaming, and having a penis.
107. yarr har fiddle dee dee, if you love to sail the sea; you are a rapist.

108. You are a rapist if a girl is drunk within a 100 miles radius of your position.

109. You are a rapist if you find the dungeon map! You can use it by pressing select!
110. You are a rapist if you get sucked into a video game and become Captain R which is probably less cool than Captain N and probably glitchier because you don’t have the Nintendo seal of approval.
111. If you are both drunk you’ll end up having sex with a door-knob while she throws up in your shoes.
112. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and blowing your penis you’re going to need some pretty loud music to stay in the mood. I recommend “Bad” by Michael Jackson.
113. If she’s sleeping and you creep out you don’t have to deal with her in the morning but don’t forget your pants.
114. If she’s unconscious and you have sex with her you will probably need a friend to operate her arms and if able use ventriloquism to dirty talk to you.
115. If she’s taking LSD then you will probably either be a rapist or you will resemble Batman with horse-hooves for hands.
116. If she is incapacitated in any way feel free to go through her stuff.
117. If you drug her, make sure she paid first.
118. If you find a drugged girl she will lead you to a pot of gold if you can catch her.
119. If you don’t bother to ask for permission you may be banned from her vagina (indicated by a large red line about her opening. You cannot fly over the top of this).
120. You are a rapist if you cried when Aeris died. You’re also a double dog rapist-pants if you call her Aerith.
121. You are a rapist if you aim for the four hatches on the underside!
122. You are a rapist if she lies on the bed and you do a naked Macho Man Randy Savage style Elbow Drop on her from across the room. You may pin her for the hardcore title regardless.

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5 comments

  1. 1. You are a pirate if you get a girl drunk and steal her treasure.
    2. You are a pirate if you find a drunk girl and steal her treasure.
    3. You are a pirate if you get yourself drunk and steal her treasure. Mind you, if you are a pirate you’re perpetually drunk.
    4. If you are both drunk, sing a sea shanty.
    5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a pirate if you FINISH THE GROG YOURSELF.
    6. If she’s sleeping now is the time to escape with the treasure!
    7. If she’s unconscious you don’t need to make some pithy comment as you escape with the treasure map.
    8. If she’s taking sleeping pills you can claim you had sex with her without actually doing it at all to impress your fellow pirates.
    9. If she is incapacitated by scurvy she may need some oranges or other source of vitamin C.
    10. If you drug her treasure chest away without her you’re a pirate.
    11. If you find a drugged girl and get into an argument with a red-coat and have a fifteen minute long fight scene where you’re sword-fighting groups of incompetent soldiers and swinging across chandeliers while hearty music plays you’re a pirate.
    12. If don’t bother to ask her about any curses on the gold you’re stealing you’re probably going to end up as an undead pirate.
    13. You are a pirate if you follow the rules of parlay.
    14. You are a pirate if you try to circumvent dangerous reefs by spinning the wheel in one big motion and then staring through a telescope or something.
    15. You are a pirate if you manipulate her into leading you to the treasure, then double cross her which is okay because she was going to double cross you as well and you’ll probably end up teaming up at the end to fight some other pirate with a beard.


  2. LOL IAN

    THAT IS THE BEST. ESPECIALLY NUMBER 14!

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    OH JESUS.

    HILARITY ENSUES.


  3. THERE’S NO NUMBER 100! Fuckin rapists.

    It missed the best one too:

    100) If you’re in Dire Straits you’re a rapist. An awesome rapist.


  4. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

    =/



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