“You Are A Pirate If…”

June 20, 2007

1. You are a pirate if you get a girl drunk and steal her treasure.
2. You are a pirate if you find a drunk girl and steal her treasure.
3. You are a pirate if you get yourself drunk and steal her treasure. Mind you, if you are a pirate you’re perpetually drunk.
4. If you are both drunk, sing a sea shanty.
5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a pirate if you FINISH THE GROG YOURSELF.
6. If she’s sleeping now is the time to escape with the treasure!
7. If she’s unconscious you don’t need to make some pithy comment as you escape with the treasure map.
8. If she’s taking sleeping pills you can claim you had sex with her without actually doing it at all to impress your fellow pirates.
9. If she is incapacitated by scurvy she may need some oranges or other source of vitamin C.
10. If you drug her treasure chest away without her you’re a pirate.
11. If you find a drugged girl and get into an argument with a red-coat and have a fifteen minute long fight scene where you’re sword-fighting groups of incompetent soldiers and swinging across chandeliers while hearty music plays you’re a pirate.
12. If don’t bother to ask her about any curses on the gold you’re stealing you’re probably going to end up as an undead pirate.
13. You are a pirate if you follow the rules of parlay.
14. You are a pirate if you try to circumvent dangerous reefs by spinning the wheel in one big motion and then staring through a telescope or something.
15. You are a pirate if you manipulate her into leading you to the treasure, then double cross her which is okay because she was going to double cross you as well and you’ll probably end up teaming up at the end to fight some other pirate with a beard.

Find our your Pirate name

Mine is Gorgeous Jackie Morgan 😀


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