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Encyclopedia Dramatica Article of The Week 3!

July 7, 2007

WAPANESE!

Read ahead you know you want too. The article is from Encyclopedia Dramatica. I’m just sharing the Lulz.

The Wapanese (also called Japanophiles or “Weeaboo”) much like wiggers, are cultureless white people trying to fill this cultural void by pretending not to be white. In this case, by humping the giant Godzilla leg of the Land of the Rising Sun until they are assimilated into its culture, as if being azn is some kind of acquired communicable disease. So badly do they wish this, in fact, that they are willing to dedicate whole afternoons to memorizing up to five common phrases in Japanese and then misusing them at the mall or furry conventions. They frequent sushi bars, the Panda Express in the food court and Sanrio stores on a weekly basis. Their bathing is inconsistent, as they have no time for this – they’re usually too busy watching anime or buying plastic crap from the internets.

STATISTICS

  • Wapanese spend around 70% of their income on meaningless Japanese imported crap, much of which could be bought at Target for far less but MUST be imported because Japanese is liek OMG so cool.
  • 115% of cosplayers are Wapanese, as well as idiots.
  • Japanophiles insist on using chopsticks to consume everything from hamburgers to aspirin.
  • 82% of male Japanophiles have declared on their LiveJournals that they will never “settle” for less than an authentic Japanese girlfriend. IRL they often have to settle for their autistic cousin Stacey.
  • There is no known cure for Japanophilia. Injections of anti-venoms such as Polandolux and Brazilium have thus far been ineffective.
  • Japanophiles will complain when manga-influenced comic books created in America for Americans are not printed right-to-left. These particular people should be turned inside out with a coat hanger and made to observe the world through their own asshole.
  • At least 90% of Wapanese will own bootlegs, and will risk their lives not letting that fact out.
  • 70% make their own clothes, lolita or fruits, and it shows.
  • 65% of a Wapanese boner is fantasizing for an American idealized female body replete with 34DD breasts, pink nipples, and a thinly muscled stomach that seques into voluptuous, shapely hips, and the other 35% of it is for an idealized Japanese face that goes O.o when shocked at the sight of big American penis and ^O^ when orgasming (see also: bullshit)

IDENTIFYING SOMEONE AS WAPANESE

There are many telltale signs of Wapanese, the biggest one being that they will refer to each other as Otaku and kawaii desu yo! Other warning signs include:

  • In photographs, a Wapanese will always be shown making a peace sign with one hand, while squinting their eyes and contorting their facial features into a grotesque imitation of the ^_^ smiley, EVEN if they weren’t actually doing so when the picture was taken.
  • A tendency to mercilessly butcher the Japanese language, throwing around random words and phrases whilst completely ignorant to what they mean. For this reason, the term “Wapanese” can also refer to the language spoken by such sad individuals. Almost all Wapanese will pretend to know the Japanese language and will constantly go “I know Japanese!! Kawaii!!” when a Japanese or part-Japanese loli comes within 20 miles of the vicinity. Most Wapanese cannot actually sustain a conversation for more than five seconds with a Japanese person.
  • They have a compulsive need to wear at least one item of Hello Kitty clothing at all times.
  • Listening to shitty J-rock bands nobody has ever heard of.
  • They want to take in the local asian culture festival every spring, no matter how viciously dull it is.
  • The average Wapanese will whine non-stop about how everyone else who professes an interest in Japanese culture is a poser. They will then throw on their favourite Dir En Grey CD and take out their impotent, white rage on the last few sticks of Pocky they ordered from J-list.
  • Japanese characters in their LiveJournal interests.
  • Wanting to go to Japan and only Japan to meet the love of their life.
  • Username and/or 99.9% of their friends list‘s names end in the letter “u” or “-chan”.
  • A large sweatdrop will appear on their forehead when confronted about the fact that they have never even seen a Japanese person in real life, let alone ever been to Japan.
  • Wapanese have an undying obsession with anime, and very often, it’s the only thing they watch.
  • Closely related to the rarer “Koreanophile”.
  • 90% of wapanese people have AZN or 4ZN in their screen names, though they are not at all Azn
  • Hanging out with asians in the arcade, playing DDR, Tekken or Initial D. It’s not hard to spot the odd one out there.
  • Usually saving up for their next trip to Japan, so they can buy a lolita dress that their fat will spill out of. Most likely will be worn with striped socks and Hot Topic $20 shoes.
  • If not saving up for the lolita dress, buying the cheap Hot Topic version and wearing it 24/7.
  • If they’re a really rich nerd, they might be carrying a little Dollfie around with them dressed up in their own meticiously hand sewn clothing they imported from New Jersey.
  • They insult people using romaji, something that has nothing to do with the Japanese language.
  • Their life dream is not only to go to Japan, but also to break into the anime, manga or video game industry and have sex with all the blonde haired blue eyed Japanese girls they saw in Naruto…
  • Collecting samurai swords and posing in photos with them.
  • Constantly bitching and complaining about the country they are currently living in if it is not Japan and if they have been there then it is common to whine about wanting to go back every twenty minutes i.e. “I wanna go to Japan T_T!!!!”
  • Defending Japan’s long history of IRL banhammering other races
  • Pseudo-intellect. Often use big words like “pretentious”, “original” and “pseudo-intellectual .” Don’t be surprised if they misuse the semi-colon in an attempt to insult you on what ever message-board you’re using.
  • All of them have at least one account on Gaia Online or DeviantART. Discussing ethnicity, politics and religion as if they know what the fuck they’re talking about.

HILARIOUSLY, point out any internet website to a wapanese which uses their myspace account as an example of a wapanese persons, and they will claim they know who did it by saying something like “I know who did this, it was (insert wapanese fetish name in here, i.e Veronica, Erika etc)”. A classic example of a Wapanese LJ user can be observed here and here.

A classic example of a Wapanese forum user can be observed here.

WAPANESE IN DENIAL 

  • Throw fits when are confronted of being a Wapanese/Japanophile
  • Can be found religiously on 4chan.
  • Has Dir en grey or Gazette bootleg in CD player.
  • Attempts to counteract any of the above in the identification of Wapanese.

Classic examples of a Wapanese in denial LJ user:

Classic examples of a Wapanese in denial Myspace users:

Classic examples of a Wapanese in denial YouTube users:

Classic examples of a Wapanese in denial Veoh users:

HYPOCRITE WAPANESE

A hypocrite wapanese is almost identical to the Wapanese in denial. Though slightly differing, the hypocrite version tends to be more annoying. They prance about claiming they hate the Wapanese, but cream their panties on sight when they get the opportunity to go to Japan. Shelf life of a hypocrite wapanese living in Japan is about 2 months before they return home, realizing that the great Hide Matsumoto is dead and no Japanese will have sex with them.

  • Music interests (usually all J-POP) change weekly.
  • Attends anime conventions, don’t cosplay as anime/manga characters, but often go to check out the j-music playing.
  • Usually bisexual or gay from looking at pretty Japanese men in dresses.
  • Are usually under the age of 17.
  • Probably dress in Lolita, Decora, EGL, or any annoying Japanese fashion that the Japanese use to lure in the Gaijin’s beaucoup bucks.

Another classic example of a hypocrite wapanese LJ user:

THE CURIOUS (MATING HABITS OF) THE WAPANESE

While most Wapanese maintain that they will only settle for a real-live Japanese, most of them invariably end up settling for another Wapanese. The pair will go about collecting all sorts of little Japanese trinkets together, watching Naruto and Battle Royale endlessly together and making statements like, “Isn’t it kawaii how they loved eachother so much they jiatsu’d off the cliff together desu ka?” while secrectly wishing they’d actually found a Japanese person, or at least an Azn.

A lucky few Wapanese will manage to find an Azn who is in self-denial and chooses to be oblivious to the Wapanese’s obvious fetish for a culture that the azn has nothing to do with, and may even pretend to be Japanese themselves despite being Korean or Chinese. Usually this azn is a BBW and has low self esteem or aspergers, but, this matters little to the Wapanese, who is just happy to have some Oriental poon to lick. Fewer still are the Wapanese who manage to find and not alienate a Japanese with their overwhelming misunderstanding fanboyism of Japanese culture. These lucky few are usually so giddy that they are actually getting to hold the hand of a Japanese person that they fail to realize that their Japanese girl/boyfriend is only in it for the greencard and has few feelings other than embarassed disdain for them.

While this latter Wapanese thinks themselves to be l33t, is no longer talking to their American friends, and is planning on moving to rural Japan with their beloved to live on a farm like a Hayao Miyazaki film, buy a Nissan Skyline GTR and raise a whole litter of hapa children, their Japanese spouse is counting the days until they’re a naturalized citizen and can divorce without the threat of being deported like a Mexican so that they can take their time dating and finding an American they actually like. Hiniku na, desu ne? Hai, anata wa chieokure to yoboyobo to panti dorobo no desu! Anata wa chiryo ni iki masu.

Most true weaboos however settle for a lifelong relationship with Osaka from Azumanga Daioh and a lonely life of masturbation.

USEFUL WAPANESE PHRASES 

Some common Wapanese phrases you may hear that will help you identify a Japanophile:

  1. “Kawaii!” (Wapanese standard warning for, “Do Not Look Directly At.”)
  2. “Konnichiwa!” (Japanese mating call of the North American Giant Douchebag.)
  3. “Baka!” (Noise made when clearing throat to dislodge half-eaten sticks of Pocky, a popular snack formed in a pointless stick shape.)
  4. “-Chan” (Appended to every name to make it sound “kawaii.”)
  5. “Sugoi!” {Phrase said when they’re sure they’ve found their new mating partner. Most likely Japanese, or asian, if not, a wapanese like themselves.)
  6. “Ne!” (Usually said after sentences, a sign for the listener to punch them in the face. Is actually equivilant to amirite but no Wapanese realize this)
  7. “Itai!” (Heard when wapanese hurts themselves. Signals the hearer to hurt them more.)

When encountering a Japanophile, it’s best not to mention anything that could be related to something that could be likened to something that is marketed or found or approved of in Japan, such as books or food, PS3‘s or oxygen. Humans who tried to academically dispute the superiority of this xenophobic culture back in 1998 are still locked in unwilling debate today, or possibly just died standing up.

It should be noted that in every group of wapanese fucktards, there will be at least two people calling themselves kitsune and two more calling themselves usagi.

ARE YOU WAPANESE? 

Some of you reading this article may fear that you possibly exhibit some of these traits. This section of the article is here to put your fears to rest or to make you become an hero. These traits are not exhibited in any particular degree of intensity.

  • You watch Anime. So what? Some of it’s actually pretty cool shit to watch. Stuff like FLCL, Excel Saga, Cowboy Bebop and other things are stuff you can kick back with and say, “Damn, this is some cool assfucking shit, it is.” However, when your Netflix queue or Best Buy gift card becomes jam packed with crap you indiscriminately picked because the cover was jammed with Japanese text and it featured some heart-faced little bitch old enough to get you a 15 year prison sentence in real-life circumstances, yeah, you’re probably Wapanese and should have your Hello Kitty pencil set jammed up your ass so far it impacts your colon like a Mack truck hitting a kitten. (KAWAII!!!! ^_^) Initial symptoms of this include a more-than-natural liking to shit-dubbed 4Kids cartoons such as One Piece and Pokemon, in which case violent retching and/or rubbing your eyes with sandpaper has long since proven effective remedies.
  • You bought something at a Japanese market in the U.S. Stopping in to one of these small stores primarily placed there for Japanese immigrants who would like to keep buying some of the products from home they liked. They usually carry kick-ass coffee drinks that put you to sleep even faster than Red Bull/Cocaine cocktail, perfect for late nights spent writing shit articles about counter-culture on websites. However, most of this shit is hideously priced due to import regulations and the government being greedy cocksuckers, so it shouldn’t be more than a passing fancy if you’ve got spare cash after blowing your paycheck on your ungrateful shitheel of a boy/girlfriend. Wapanese usually buy everything they own from these stores, making the poor folks who work there scared it’s going to become a hangout for other Wapanese, thereby stinking up the place with their own distinct odors and mangled Japanese language skillz.
  • You are a virgin.
  • You buy/frequent stores that sell imported video games. While there are some great game series that come from Japan (Final Fantasy excluded) and the XBox is the only gaming system worth a damn that comes from outside of Japan, Wapanese tend to focus mostly on obscure Japanese game titles with severely obscure forms of gameplay. Sadly, the disturbing success of the Wii means more normal people are now at risk of turning Wapanese. A marathon session of Gears of War on the XBox 360 is recommended to cure any urge to import any of the aforementioned games.
  • You jerk off over Asian Porn Stars. Shit, who can really decry that? Some of those whores are pretty fucking hot. However, they’re usually azn, born in the good old U.S. of A. Japanese porn, usually viewed by Wapanese in lieu of American or European porn, contains pixelated genitalia. It’s been said that this is due to some fucked up Japanese law, but studies indicate that this is actually a birth-defect, or maybe an inherent STD coming from the fact that NO JAPANESE PORN STAR SHAVES HER VAGINA. EVAR. Nothing turns on a Wapanese like the sight of unshaven, stinky mosaic coochie.
  • You dress up like a Lolita or any Japanese clothing they got today, and not because any one or more of:
    • Japanese (or a blood-fraction thereof),
    • a non-Wapanese taking a martial arts class because karate kicks almost as much ass as Krav Maga,
    • or actually living in a traditional Japanese household in which you absolutely have to follow their customs or commit chuoside.
  • You’re a Buddhist. The tranquility of worshiping Buddha is unsurpassed. Well, that’s total fucking horseshit, since Buddha didn’t die for your sins, but hey, whatever floats your boat. You probably have your reasons for being one. However, if you tuned in to this theological brainstorm because it’s supposedly the official licensed religion of the Japan because you saw it in an episode of Ranma 1/2 or something, you should probably be thumped with bibles by lunatic Christians. Preferably to the point of irreversible brain damage and incontinence, especially since Buddhism is Indian and yet India doesn’t have Buddha worship, and Japan’s religion is Shinto. Dumb Wapanese, Buddhism is for Indians!
  • You own a Dollfie. Don’t know what that is, and (still) don’t want to own one after finding out what it is after clicking that link? Good.
  • You listen to J-pop. This is toeing the line, unless:
    • you only listen to it when you’re stoned and,
    • you laugh your ass off at the lyrics, which usually consist of 1-2 sentences of Japanese, and the rest being poorly sung verse in Engrish.
  • You add chan or any other Japanese crap to the end of friends’ names. Unforgivably Wapanese, yes. And deserves 20 beatings multiplied by the amount of “ite” and “dame” that they yelp. Luckily local authorities do not understand wapanese talk thus ignoring the screams for help as part of some kind of out door horseplaying resulting in many lulz.
  • You use anime-style horizontal emoticons in regular online conversation. (e.g. ^___^ and o3o) It might be initially good for a few lulz but can become deadly when combined with other Wap habits, much like Ecstasy and Meth.
  • You know what napukin dorobo no desu means even though you don’t really speak Japanese and it applies to you when you go to Little Tokyo, you sick fuck. And when you read this, you got all hot and bothered, and had to take a break from your job as an IT specialist and run to the bathroom to fap for great justice. Face it, your cock rises and falls with the land of the rising sun and your lulzy attempts at downplaying this are as stealth as a fat girl on a Vespa.

SEE ALSO

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8 comments

  1. I find this funny but rather true, I show it today to one of me friend who before I knew wasn’t at all like this. She in denial and I feel kinda sorry for her. Only for the fact she keep think she is somehow Japanese. Well it there live there lives…I enjoyed reading this.


  2. Funny and interesting.

    I’ll keep these things in mind.

    Oh, and by the way, as much as I love anime, I’ll never go to Japan.

    The only reasons I have for going is for buisness and to buy a kimono.


  3. emm.. thank you


  4. 8bitsgirlbravo is also a pathetic,jealous of anyone with a life, nasty bitch.All her LJ buddies are just like her too.

    Just my 2 cents


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