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Encyclopedia Dramatica Article of the Week 4!

July 17, 2007

MY SPACE

I would like to remind you that noone here at Pink Domino wrote this article. It is extracted from Encyclopedia Dramatica for your lulz.
Serving as a hybrid of Friendster and Livejournal, Myspace (Pronounced: Mee-Spah-Tszche) provides attention whores across the internets with twice the ability for tasteless self-promotion. Myspace also is a haven for middle-class suburban emo teenagers to whine and moan about how their lives are so tough. Therefore, many lulz can be found within this site.

Myspace’s “mission statement” is to function as a “meat market” for registered sex offenders to search for secretly fat 16 year old girls and camwhores who take it in the ass (Once again, Encyclopedia Dramatica knew this fact months before it hit the wire).

As a web site, it’s a lethargically coded piece of shit, rivaled in shittyness only by TagWorld; as a concept, it is a scourge on the entire human race and the epitome of Western insolence.

However, as an institution of higher learning where strippers and pr0n stars can learn HTML, it is rivaled only by DeVry University.

HISTORY

Founder

Tom is a fucking tool for friending everyone on the internet.

Tom is a fucking tool for friending everyone on the internet.

The not so widely seen gay side of every 16 year old girls idol.

The not so widely seen gay side of every 16 year old girls idol.

The much rarer, Bixnood Tom.

The much rarer, Bixnood Tom.

Myspace was designed by Tom Anderson, a crack baby and a kind of gay version of Brad. The two share many similarities, one of which is that they both sold out (see below). Tom has a taste for Adderall pixie sticks and a severe case of multiple personality disorder. As such, he created Myspace by combining the worst features of every so-called ‘social networking’ site in existence in the most disorganized manner possible and adding horrifying features of his own.

Myspace sellout

On 23:54, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC), Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News, bought Myspace for 580 million dollars. Yes. $580 million. Why a cesspool of mallcore faggotry is worth anywhere near that much is a mystery. Meanwhile, the fine folks at liberal have collectively shit themselves.

The Web’s Unholy Chimera

Similarities to Friendster

Myspace provides the benefits of adding friends in a desperate ploy to seem popular. It also provides camwhores with an amount of disk space to upload photos. This serves as a shrine to their own alleged hottness.

Users can list general interests on their profile, such as their favorite music, movies, television, and books. Well, not books. The last time anyone on Myspace touched a book was the day they dropped out of third grade.

Many users (usually dateless females) will list seemingly impossible qualities they are looking for in a humanoid life form, such as the body of Brad Pitt, with eyeliner, and the soul of Truman Capote, but they also have to be a shirtless drummer in a band with no gag reflex. Also, they have to wear expensive crack shoes made from virgin alligators or some such shit. Such people usually carry hand sanitizer to spritz teh cock before giving it a really toothy blowjob. Lastly, notice most profiles are of people in California!

Myspace also provides a so-called bulletin feature similar to Friendster, which allows users to post bulletins about local events and/or big news, but the feature is only used to spread retarded memes, emo pleas for new profile comments, irritating chain letters, and announcements about the posting of new hott photos.

Similarities to Livejournal

you're gonna need DRAMAmine

you’re gonna need DRAMAmine

Myspace offers a personal blog, allowing users to rate their popularity by the number of comments that are received. The difference between the blog feature and the bulletins feature is a closely-guarded trade sekrit known only to Tom. What is known is that Tom likes features. Lots of them.

The blog feature is often given a backseat to the posting of tiled blinking backgrounds with seven lens flares on a user’s profile page. When used, it is famous for eating posts, depriving the world of countless stories of sloppy blowjobs performed in nightclub parking lots. Myspace-post-eating is responsible for at least 100 cases of cutting. Fortunately, subsequent photos of the wounds were posted without incident.

Myspace attempts to replicate Livejournal’s famed drama-friendly atmosphere, but due to its horrifying and utterly incomprehensible interface, drama is generated and maintained only through sheer force of will of the users generating it. Myspace also allows users to create communities, but lulz are rare due to the fact that English is never used.

Just like LiveJournal, Myspace is exhausted with attention-starved nerd wannabes who believe that their emotions and self-righteous descriptions of themselves are more important than God himself. They also say “nigger” a lot, jokingly of course. That’s because they’re all white and therefore not racist. Myspace is infested with bitch boys who cry a lot and with fag hags who use the word “faggot” in the most irrelevant context possible, thereby making them look like gigantic homophobes. That’s OK because everyone on Myspace is gay already.

Similarities to Bolt

Bolt and Myspace share a largely ignored blog feature, a restrictive area to share your camwhoring skillz, a list of general interests to plug the latest mainstrem crap, a bulletin system for public drama, and a bewildering and useless interface. And also, horoscopes.

The only real difference between the two is while Myspace caters toward emos and scenewhores, Bolt is meant more for teenagers to try and one up each other for badges and tags.

Also, Tom is a disgruntled ex-employee of Bolt Media, who was fired after the Japanese bought the website and replaced all human employees with 40-foot tall fembots. The deep sense of self-loathing exhibited by Tom was undoubtedly caused by this disruption of underage poon.

Unique Features

Unlike Friendster, LiveJournal, or anywhere else, Myspace lets users define all aspects of their profile page. Most pages include every web annoyance, ever, and break every guideline of web design, ever — pages with 300k bitmap backgrounds that load activex controls to play 50mb music videos, bouncing and flashing marquees and it’s all on the same page. Myspace made history as the only social networking site that lets users install malware on visiting machines just by viewing a profile. Everyone on Myspace is also in an extended network, so nobody ever feels alone.

Poor or completely blind use of HTML and CSS often leads to a computer freezing up, so badly that you have to unplug it from the wall and curse the day you found Myspace.

List of groundbreaking innovations

  • Autoplaying video clips in profile that never work properly and have to spend 5 minutes disabling.
  • Autoplaying music which inevitably starts by surprise at maximum volume.
  • Eye-searing color schemes that makes people’s text impossible to read, and you’ll have to highlight everything in order to read it easier but then realize that it’s all shit nobody cares about.
  • Dialup User Patience Initiative – the bigger the whore, the more hours the page will take to load on dialup.
  • Sitewide custom of sending friends requests to strangers without ever contacting the person beforehand.
  • People pretending to be television or movie characters, which has never been done before anywhere.
  • People who add fake television or movie characters to their friends list and say “OMG lewk I em phreands with Morpheus LOLZORZ OMG!!!!!!!!!!!111
  • Is always b0rked when you want to use it. Always.
  • Patented “browser crash upon visit” technology.
  • Fun “click the stop button” game on every visit!
  • Fun lack of vertical scaling for thumbnails – have longcat as your avatar and piss your friends off!
  • Unwanted Spam!!1!!!one!1
  • People who fail at knowing whats funny and what is no longer funny. E.g. ‘!!!111oneone’ is no longer funny, yet at least one hundred members of myspace still continue to use it as a means of getting cyber-laid after fellow camwhores see that they have used the outdated humour, and still find it rather lulz, but it really isnt lulz. srsly oneoneone was so two years ago.
  • A new peice of shit mood bar that lets emo kids tell all their faggot friends how they are feeling and posts a shitty little picture.

People Who Use Myspace

Typical Myspace user pictures.

Typical Myspace user pictures.

Your wife is on myspace right now.

Your wife is on myspace right now.

Attention Whores

Myspace is home to many attention whores who use the bulletin feature to relentlessly beg for comments (i.e. “nEW pix!!1, pls lev me some cmmtz lol”). They will stop at nothing to have people comment, since they require frequent comments to keep them alive (so just don’t comment).

Killers

jakejekyll, one of at least 100 Myspace killers

jakejekyll, one of at least 100 Myspace killers

For the shit band The Killers, feel free not to look anywhere. Everyone on Myspace likes it. Or used to.

Myspace is the social networking site of choice for crazed killers everywhere:

As a drama-generating technique, murder is one of the best, though typically Myspace killers don’t log in to approve new friend requests after beginning their spree. Therefore, only their prior fans can leave emo comments about how misunderstood they were.

Killeez

Myspace Murderers

Since MySpace’s user-base is mostly idiot, much lulz can be had in the form of dying. Regard here and hear. The exact number of dead MySpace users is thought to be at least 99%. Because if you use MySpace you will die, some enterprising scallywags have set up MyDeathSpace, which catalogues dead/dying/hovercraft MySpace users and which prima facia, seems interesting. Unfortunatly the lulz dried up early 2006 when the Mydeathspace forum drowned in clowns identified using the MySpace link on every post they make and became SHIT.

Bands and Related Sewage

Everyone also begs people to see their own shitty bands, which may or may not be worse than The Killers

Everyone also begs people to see their own shitty bands, which may or may not be worse than The Killers

Lesser-known bands are allowed to create special music profiles on Myspace for publicity. These music profiles will immediately send thousands of friend requests to any user who has listed a relative genre or band. Users can visit the band’s profile to enjoy a sample of their music.

Sometimes people set up fake myspace profiles for bands, so bands often throw in a salute photo.

According to a government report in 2004, bands on myspace are the biggest contagions for AIDS on the internet.

The Musical Elite

Just like any place with music, there’s also the musically elite or 1337. Or you can refer to them as pricks. On myspace, one can only be musically 1337 if you are a fag. This was proclaimed at least 100 years ago by Freddy Mercury when Queen became the first band to join myspace after Freddy gave Tom one of his last blowjobs. This led to Freddy’s death, since anything Tom touches gets infected with teh AIDS. One who is born with almighty myspace musical 1337ness has the gossip, manipulation skills, and same amount of make-up as a 16-year-old girl. Piss one off and thousands of their myspace friends will swarm on you with lulz-inducing drivel. Bands will usually claim they know their thousands of myspace friends really well, on an individual basis, providing more lulz. Be careful, their minions will fill your inbox with shit too entertaining to pass up reading, which guarantees a higher chance of getting AIDS from spending time on myspace. The bigger the band (or it’s attitude), the more potent the AIDS they carry. Lately there has been an influx of hippies creating pages for something called psytrance. But beware of these pages, for they all lead back to the pedophiles.

Porn Stars

Miss Deaf Texas, “TRAIN!, WHAT?”

If you need some quick fap-fodder while kicking around on the tubes, Myspace has a wealth of pornstars, like Belladonna to fit your every need. Some even offer up pics for free!

“Models”

Many people think since they are a humanoid life form having secondary sex characteristics, they can be a model and post endless camwhoring pictures of themselves in various states of undress. Many of these so-called “models” are not even good enough for CrackWhore Monthly’s amateur “Labia Hunt”.

Better even than “models” are “dancers” who add themselves to every male the MySpace search finds within 100 miles of their “performing arts center”. The only redeeming thing about their profiles is the ego boost from reading the comments men leave them — even in your darkest fits of depression you know you’re a better person than the hundreds of fags making sincere sappy comments to a stripper whore.

Myspace Whores

methinks there is trolling to be done.

methinks there is trolling to be done.

Branded 4 lyf

Branded 4 lyf

Typical Myspace User

Typical Myspace User


A Myspace whore is a faggot-mouth yuppy, who dwells on Myspace for more than a period of time that is needed. Which is anything more than a few seconds. These loud mouth twats have poured whatever pathetic part of their life that is left into the faggotry that is Myspace.

Myspace and the law

In early 2005, Myspace became the first site to aid in arrest of spim. Spim is spam sent via instant message. A teenager sent millions of messages to Myspace accounts advertising mortgages and other services. Then he attempted to blackmail Tom into an exclusive marketing deal, threatening that he would make his spamming techniques public. Myspace contacted police and lured the spimmer to cops under the pretenses of a business meeting with Tom. This is probably the closest to IRL law that Myspace Internet lawyers have ever gotten.

In July 2006, the United States House of Representatives voted 410 to 15 to ban Myspace from schools and public libraries, thus ensuring its future popularity.

Myspace in the news

In December 2005, the International Dramatic Energy Agency announced that Myspace was in violation of international regulations for attempting to restart its fucktard enrichment program, generating highly enriched stupidity on an industrial scale. Experts believe that this concentrated, highly radioactive stupidity could be used to make a weapon of mass destruction, a so-called dirty bomb which threatens millions of innocent Internets users with the complete destruction of their frontal lobe — the digital equivalent of a lobotomy delivered within seconds of exposure to extreme levels of moron radiation.

As of early 2006, many world leaders were calling for the application of sanctions against the Myspace nation-state to prevent the restart of its fucktard enrichment program. Proposed sanctions include mass sterilization of the entire Myspace population and controlled detonation of every piece of computer equipment involved in producing and propagating the enriched Myspace stupidity. Although the proposal, spearheaded by United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan under the name “We Cured The Plague Once Already For Fuck’s Sake” enjoys near unanimous support in the international community, US President George W. Bush has not signed on to the plan, noting a strong resemblance between many Myspace users and members of his extended backwoods family.

See Also

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