July 25, 2007


The one, true religion, founded by author and batshit insane fucktard L. Ron Hubbard as a tax shelter, using material from his published works of science fiction as articles of faith. It is also known in its alternate spelling as “Sollontology”, as coined by TV talk show genius Gorgeous George. Scientology is not to be confused with a fabricated web of lies because everything L. Ron says is completely factual.

Adherents of Scientology are primarily Hollywood celebrities, lawyers, and women who want to penetrate Tom Cruise. [2]

Beliefs and Practices

Scientology drama is all too common, and most of it is extremely amusing. For instance, to advance in the faith to OT level III to learn the tale of Xenu, the galactic tyrant who, at least 100 years ago, stacked hundreds of billions of his frozen citizens on planes that looked like DC8’s with rocket engines, and hauled them over to Earth to be thrown into volcanoes before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a “three-D, super colossal motion picture” for 36 days.

The traumatized thetans subsequently clustered around human bodies, in effect acting as invisible spiritual parasites that can only be removed using advanced Scientology techniques. The cost of reaching OT III is only $360,000. Central to the belief is in alien past lives, such as being “deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful red-haired girl”, being run over by a Martian bishop driving a steamroller, being transformed into an intergalactic walrus which perished after falling out of a flying saucer, and being “a very happy being who strayed to the planet Nostra 23,064,000,000 years ago”. All of this was on Wikipedia, so it is guaranteed the absolute truth.

If you are completely and fully suckered in, you can join an elite sector of Scientologists, the Sea Org, which stands for “Sea Organization”. This arm of the “Church” was dreamed up by Hubbard in the mid-60’s because he was (a) really drunk/doped out of his mind most of the time and (b) because he felt butthurt by the real U.S. Navy, who refused to give him ill-gotten glory and fame, so he made a toy navy of some real piece of shit ships. If you’re a good enough and devout enough Scientologist, when you join the Sea Org, you must sign a contract that binds you to the Scientology religion, the Sea Org and L. Ron Hubbard for a billion years, pledging to “come back” in all your reincarnations to serve him for that time. In exchange you get some really nifty things… You get about $16 a week in pay, your personal I.D. taken from you and locked away so you can’t jump ship, you get to do demeaning and degrading physical labor, and you give the Church tacit permission to put you in the “RPF” (Rehabilitation Project Force) which is a punishment gulag that will make you beg, whine, and plead like a little bitch for that degrading regular labor back. You may even find yourself locked in a ship’s chain locker if at sea, or in the basement of the Ft. Harrison Hotel with all that healthy asbestos. The RPF makes Gitmo Bay look like Club Med. In an interesting side note, while the crew of the Sea Org were sweating and toiling at sea on the Apollo, Hubbard’s Sea Org flagship, Hubbard himself surrounded himself with nubile, blonde 13 year old girls in hot pants and halter tops that he dubbed the “Commodore’s Messenger Organization” or “CMO”. He did this because running Scientology is serious fucking business. Sadly for him, he was also impotent.

Most agree that it is batshit insane, and Battlefield Earth was as good a movie as getting jackhammered in the urethra for 3 hours is fun. Scientology is, however, a very important part of society; it is one of the main sources in the Western world for the lulz.

E-Meter Auditing (Galvanometry)

Scientologists use a rudimentary galvanometer to measure the electrical resistance present in people who they call “pre-clear.” The process of lying is more difficult than the process of telling the truth, and galvanometers act like shitty lie detectors. When questions are asked of the “pre-clear” and the needle moves, they say that the little alien in their brain is making up lies for them to recite about their non-existent pre-birth past. Since no one actually knows what happened before their birth, “pre-clears” must learn to lie without affecting the galvanometer. If they can do this, auditors say they have become closer to becoming “operating thetans.” This is done by learning to believe the things Hubby wrote in his books, such as being born for the first time on another planet. In effect, it’s lie detector aided brainwashing.

Church officials

List of Scientologist celebrities

  • Kirstie Alley, fat crazy bitch
  • Beck, musician, raised Scientologist (easily confused, has no clue what Scientology really is)
  • Sonny Bono, who also wore a cum-catcher. Coincidence? I think not!
  • Tom Cruise, barely bisexual uber-actor (ask him about Aleister Crowley, or the Cloak of Darkness)
  • Jenna Elfman, crazy bitch quote, “AIDS is a state of mind, not a disease”
  • Doug E. Fresh, crapstatic hip-hop musician
  • Paul Haggis, director of Crash
  • Marc Anthony, singer, Skeletor
  • Leah Remini, King of Queens / Saved By The Bell PSYCHO BITCH
  • Isaac Hayes, former chef
  • Jason Lee, actor (ask him about Xenu and he might try to make you disappear)
  • Juliette Lewis, yet another crazy bitch actress
  • Charles Manson
  • Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson
  • Christopher Masterson, actor
  • Danny Masterson, actor, dj, wanna-be cokehead (if you troll him on MySpace he might freak out)
  • John Travolta, homosexual actor, see Battlefield Earth
  • Greta Van Susteren, host of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren on Fox News
  • William S. Burroughs [3] author, Beat Generation icon (later denounced Scientology)
  • Van Morrison, singer, songwriter (renounced Scientology in the 1980s)
  • David Nelson (musician), [4], musician
  • Lou Rawls, singer
  • Giovanni Ribisi, actor
  • Kate Cebrano, shit Australian former pop singer who won Australian dancing with the stars. Fat old has been whore.
  • Christopher Reeve: actor, superman, time traveler [5] (would later denounce L Ron Hubbard and Scientology as being “insane crooks”)
  • Jerry Seinfeld , comedian (“took a couple courses a number of years ago…”)

Unconfirmed $cientologists

  • Vivian Kubrick, Stanley Kubrick’s daughter !?[6]
  • Jennifier Lopez *Jello*, her father has been a $cientologist for over 20 years and most people make fun of J.LO because she hangs out with Tom Cruise and is known to practice VOODOO on her enemies. [7]
  • JJ Abrams, former Scientologist, and creator of Lost
  • Ethan Rom [8], William Mapother [9], this guy IRL is Tom Cruise’s cousin.

The History of Scientology


Battlefield Earth

In 2000, Fageologists discovered a new book of Scientology, called Battlefield Earth. Originally written at least 100 years ago, it is a prophecy about how Xenu will return to Earth and generally fuck everything up and enslave all of humanity to mine some crappy mineral. In the end of the book, some faggot slave finds an old military plane that couldn’t fight off the aliens when they first showed up and proceeded to blow the fuck out of all the aliens with it, saving the day. The moral of the story is: Store planes in caves. They get more l33t that way.

Everything about Battlefield Earth sucks. Everything. The over-the-top music, the unbelievable sets, the terrible dialogue, the hammy acting, the lousy special effects, the beginning, the middle and especially the end. God above, it’s bad. Sweet baby Jesus, it’s bad. By all that is holy and sacred on the Earth, this is a bad, bad, bad film

—Jonathan Ross, Movie critic

EarthLink $cientology Drama

It has been charged by most EDiot researchers of the $cam Church of Scientology that EarthLink is a front organization for Scientology. According to skeptictank.org:

Numerous individuals who have worked for this cult front company in the past have come forward to describe the fact that EarthLink’s help desk’s employees are ordered to claim that the Scientology crime syndicate doesn’t own and run EarthLink.NET. (See comments by ex-employees of EarthLink.net on The Skeptic Tank’s web site [10]) The fact is, the security of one’s e-mail which flows through these two companies is highly suspect and users who subscribe to either of these services should consider very carefully the history of the Scientology crime syndicate. In 1998, the weekly San Jose Metro ran an article called “Missing Links”, examining the Scientology-EarthLink controversy:Electronic free-speech advocates are concerned about the Scientology leanings of EarthLink founder Sky Dayton and the church’s history of litigation over copyright infringements on the internets;… Dayton is a vocal follower of the Church of $camientology who in the early days surrounded himself with upper management and private financiers who were also $cientologists;… As the company has grown, EarthLink executives have tried to distance the company from its Scientology roots, and for good reason. Unlike other religions, Scientology has earned a reputation for dragging ISPs into court for alleged copyright violations committed by private subscribers, something which electronic-privacy advocates believe could erode free discourse on the Net [[11]]. Dayton and his two financial backers are Scientologists. When this fact created controversy in the media, Dayton asserted that the idea that EarthLink was owned by the Church of Scientology was absurd, making the comparison, “It was like I’m Jewish, therefore EarthLink was involved with 9/11.”

Official Scientology Orientational Video

Apparently, they’ve gone to great lengths to make sure that people don’t see it. Expect a lawsuit if you even think about pondering the consideration of maybe some day downloading it. HOLY SHIT IT’S ALL BEEN DELETED! SURPRISE! conspiracy.

FileHO Mirror: [15]

DepositFiles Mirror: [16]

SendSpace Mirror: [17]

YouSendIt Mirror: [18]

Rapidshare Mirror: [19]

MegaUpload Mirror: [20]

It’s around 60 MB and an excellent source for your daily lulz nutrition.

See Also



  1. Seriously, Scientology is one of the funniest fucking things ever. As such I always choose it as my religion on any site like MySpace where you can pick your religion. Except on Facebook where I’m down as being Jedi, as it’s the first site I’ve found that’s let me pick that 😀

  2. Acting Tips

    Interesting article, Thanks for sharing.

  3. Yes it’s true Scientology does suck to no end. I had a couple of brief encounters with the sick commies in the early seventies.They are as creapy and evil as Stanley Kubrick was.It’s easy to see how they roped his daughter Vivian in. Kubric the evil buttfucker of little children probably sacrificed his daughter to them just to gain access to Tom Cruise and his then wife so he could place them in his perverted flick ” Eyes Wide Shut” and get to view both of them without their clothes.
    Kubrick being the crusty old assbag that he was probably used up plenty of boxes of kleenx stwhile he edited that turkey of a film.
    These reality twisting loathsome reprobates are so demented they test people’s worth by having their gullable subjects grasp a couple of rusty tin cans right out of a garbage can in each of their hands. Then they attach these stupid cans via scraps of wire with alligator clips on the ends to some half-assed V.U. meter in a clumsilly constructed box that these deviants refer to as E meters. How anyone can place even the slightest measure of trust in these assholes after one of these displays is beyond anyone but a leftist miscreant’s twisted reasoning.
    It only goes to show that there are hords of crafty assholes so devoted to the servitude of their lord and whoremaster the prince of darkness that they’ll go to any exteme to deceive weak innocents they cleverly lure into their web into becoming just like them. Like all evil cowards they are shameless. That is why so many of them are actors.
    People such as this strive their entire life to deny the exsistance of truth so they and their ilk can live their lives in servitude to Satan without being wiped out as they rightfully should be.The only reason they are permitted to operate with impunity is because they and other evil organizations such as Kubrick’s mob have taken over the film and television business from which they brianwash our youth into growing up to be evil dishonest commie bastards such as those who now infest our once righteous national government.
    Those who labor to deny us the existance of truth are only working with the dark forces of evil to deny that God exsists.
    I knew the late Stanley Kubrick for more than thirty five years.He was vehement atheist.He was also a child rapest who used the mob to murder his innocent victims before they could speak the truth.
    He is also responsible for turning generations of innocents into flunkies of satan through his film work(made possible by the mob)and the additional damage that he and his mob cohorts are causing through their creation’s Robert Deniro, and Martin Scorcese.Thanks to these two Kubrick/mob empowered low lifes every young low functioning dipshit chickenshit punk with little or no worth to society thinks he can hook up with other cowards and make their way through life by prepetrating savagery against innocent people like our mothers and daughters.
    They’ll keep on getting away with their shit as long as their buddies in the film and television businesses keep boning up on their mass deception skills in organizations devoted to the eradication
    of obvious truths such as Scientolgy.
    May L.Ron Hubbard burn in Hell,right beside Stanley Kubrick.

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