Gendo Ikari: Motherfuckin’ PIMP

September 14, 2007

NOTE: I didn’t write this. It’s written by my friend Vampire_killer. I thought it was funny so cross posted it here ^_^
A while back I was partaking of another A4 discussion, regarding which anime character was the biggest player. As I say, forum discussion threads tend to be overrun by 12-15 year old kids, and not very original. However, something was said in that particular reincarnation of an older thread that got replaced by someone else posting a copy of the same thing those damn kids can’t seem to get enough of. Something that, in my mind, completely warrants further analysis, and a good deal of poking fun at.

In that particular thread, someone mentioned that he considered Shinji Ikari of Neon Genesis: Evangelion to be the greatest and best anime pimp. Now, I’ll repeat that, because I know that, as I did, some of you might have a hard time believing that you might ever actually see these words typed or in print: he said that Shinji Ikari, from Neon: Genesis Evangelion, was the greatest and best anime pimp. This is the sort of thing that comes off as so utterly nonsensical, that when you hear it, you actually laugh so hard, that you don’t even make a sound at all. And if you’ve never done this yourself, or seen it happen to anyone else, then you’ve clearly never spent very much time on an online message board. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

But to get back to the point of the matter, after collecting my senses enough to the point where I could actually breathe again, I asked this person exactly why he considered Shinji to be a player of any magnitude. His reply was that it was for the fact that Shinji shared a room with 2 hot women, Misato Katsuragi and Asuka Langley-Sohryu. That was the basis of his whole argument. Let’s take a look at Shinji’s interactions with each character, shall we?

Although Misato is rather friendly toward Shinji and even sent him a photograph of herself that was very clearly a cleavage shot, she isn’t exactly under his thumb. In fact, she shuffles off most of the housework in her own damn apartment on him, plus the fact that the only time Shinji ever took off all his clothes in front of Misato was itself a freak accident. Clearly it’s Misato who’s in charge of that crib.

Now let’s look at Shinji’s association with Asuka. Actually, screw it. This one requires no explanation. It’s so glaringly obvious that even an overblown satirist like me has no clue where to begin with it. It’s like trying to make fun of a clown, for Godsake: how can you possibly strip away the dignity even further? So let’s just say that we know with at least 200% certainty that if anything, Shinji was Asuka’s b-tch, and leave it at that.

All the above arguments fall apart after taking End of Evangelion and the rest of the Eva movies into account, but come on, those movies motherf-ckin’ suck anyway, so they don’t count.

So, clearly, Shinji ain’t the dom in that household. But now this gets me to thinking. Clearly it isn’t Shinji Ikari that’s the daddy-mac of the show, or any show for that matter. But then it occured to me that this kid, he had the right series in mind, he even had the right surname, he was just getting the generation wrong. There really is a pimp in that series, and with the family name of Ikari. It’s Gendo.

Think about it. Sure, the man dresses more like he’s going to a funeral than like he’s going to f-ck, but platform shoes and a cape alone do not a big daddy make. There’s more to it than look, way more. Let’s first consider the women. It all starts with Yui Ikari, his legitimate partnership. Of course, we all know better than that. It was obviously a plot merely to throw down his seed and continue the lineage. Plus he was after all her biological breakthroughs. Some might say it was to further his own work in the field, but that was only what he wanted people to think. More on that later. Anyway, after Yui Ikari met with her unfortunate [but totally staged so that Gendo could enact the rest of his fiendish plot] accident during the 1st Impact [or was it 2nd Impact? I’m not too sure], he started getting with Naoko Akagi. A lot. And then in true pimp style, when he was done with her and her ass started sagging, he had her capped. And get this: his next woman? Naoko’s daughter. Ritsuko Akagi was next in line to get bent over by Gendo.

He threw his thing down with a woman and that woman’s daughter. You can’t beat that. And as far as anime pimps go, no one else has ever managed to pull off anything as downright criminal as that. It takes some smooth talking and some cool walking, some straight smoking and some fire stoking to be able to convince the daughter of the woman you knocked up and then knocked off that it’s a good idea to ride your shotgun, and Gendo did that. The man’s a wizard.

Also consider the fact that every single woman above is on his payroll. They all work for him, along with all the other as yet unmentioned women that make up the Nerv staff. They all work for him, taking his orders, and they all love it. Although to Misato’s credit, she never actually had sex with Gendo and she stopped trusting him at the end. But all those women, working in the field of biomechanics and computer science and engineering and so on, it wasn’t so Gendo could lead the fore in exterminating Angels. No, it was so he could build himself a happenin’ mad hood. The big guns were just there for his amusement when he got bored with ho sale and taking hits off the LCL cannisters.

Now let’s look at Nerv itself. It’s like looking at the Emerald City from The Wizard of Oz, just underground. It’s extravagant, well-designed, architecturally stable and well-fortified. Because every pimp knows that you got to kick it in style, and have the place well-protected should the Feds come calling. The man has an entire city as his base of operations. He’s got the territory.

And he’s also got the hook-up. He’s like, “yo, these Angels be wreckin’ mah game an’ sh-t, makin’ all that noise outside so I can’t hear my old lady tell me how she wants it. You dig?” And then the U.N. is like, “I feel ya. Tell you what: we’ll give you access to all the electricity in Japan so you can blast that sucker outta here.” And then Gendo is like, “Word, G!”

He’s got the women. He’s got the shag-shack. He’s got the territory, and he’s got the authority, so who cares if he dresses like an FBI agent. Gendo isn’t that kind of a straight-shooter. There are anime characters who are more powerful, there are certainly anime characters who have had more women, there are anime characters with bigger and better houses and there might even be a few anime characters that are more devious and dirty with their tactics and manipulations. But by God, Gendo’s a man who has all of that. He’s a pimp, and you can b’lee dat. XD


One comment

  1. this was quite insightful
    i actually happen to know someone who looks exactly like gendo even when hes NOT in cosplay, so ill be sure to show him this

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